Blog, blog, blog

Today I joined an (In)courage Writer's Group on Facebook. When you join a group full of bloggers, you realize you should probably start blogging more. About what I'm still trying to figure out. Sure, I have tons of thoughts. But as I have no readership, I don't know what is readable. :) But one girl said that she needed to start blogging even if no one reads it. That's good.

I also realized that if I'm going to join a group like that, I should probably make time to read the blogs of those in my new community! Which made me want to share what I HAVE been reading.

I just finished reading A Tree Grows in Brooklyn. Wow. Written in 1943, it shows amazing insight into, well, humans. The authoress, Betty Smith, doesn't need to have written anything else (I don't know if she did) because A Tree Grows in Brooklyn, in my inexpert opinion, is a magnum opus. She was so thorough. I came across one loose thread never brought to its end--Francie and Neeley got a live Christmas tree and decided to keep it and water and manure it. Towards the end of the book I thought, "Hm, she never said what happened with that. But I guess no book can perfectly close up all loose ends." Hah! She did. Bottom of the last page. :)

See, I'm wordy. Another reason why I'm not sure what to blog about, because I could go on and on about this book. :) A Tree Grows in Brooklyn follows the life and family of Francie, a girl living in the immigrant area of Brooklyn. In the beginning of the book I thought, and told others, "This book has no plot. It's not going anywhere. But it's interesting." And it just got more and more interesting until I've decided I think it's one of my favorite books. Minus the language. Went through it with a black pen for future readings' sake. And it's not really a family book either.

Hm, I wasn't planning on blogging about that book. But thus it happened. So I will include my two favorite quotes from the book and be done with it.

After spending a chapter on Francie's mother's side, and then a chapter on Francie's father's side, the book then outlines Francie's similarities to both, and then how she was made up of more, the flower in the brown bowl, the books she read, her quarrels with her brother, etc. Then,

"She was all of these things and of something more that did not come from the Rommelys nor the Nolans, the reading, the observing, the living from day to day. It was something that had been born into her and her only--the something different from anyone else in the two families. It was what God or whatever is His equivalent puts into each soul that is given life--the one different thing such as that which makes no two fingerprints on the face of the earth alike."

 

And near the end of the book, when Francie was 15 years old,

 

"'I need someone,' thought Francie desperately. 'I need someone. I need to hold somebody close. And I need more than this holding. I need someone to understand how I feel at a time like now. And the understanding must be part of the holding.

 

'But it isn't an Aunt Sissy thing [carnal] because there's this understanding that I want almost more than I want the holding.'"

Slow steps of responsibility and commitment

Having a dog has proven a bigger deal than I knew. Or maybe I'm just seeing the unknown I worried about when choosing to take the plunge and bring Bella home.

First, she wet in the house the first couple weeks she was here.

Second, she tears up my garbage when I'm away for a few hours.

Third, she wants lots of attention.

Fourth, she requires lots of activity.


Fifth, she's super curious, which led to her finding her Christmas present and chewing through her bag to the bone before I could take it away til morning.

She's a bed hog.

Every morning around 6am my mom lets her out to go potty.

Twice a day she gets a walk where she gets to run around in the park.

the tub after a Bella bath

I give her a bath every week.

What am I going to do when I move out? Will I have to get up early every morning of my life to let her out? Will I have to get a tacky doggy door so she won't wet the carpet or tear things up while I'm gone?

So I think "What have I done??" and I realize my life has changed and I miss the days in my bedroom alone. And I see I have taken on a responsibility--like adopting a child before you're married. And I didn't know, I wasn't prepared, I couldn't have been. And I am tempted to send her back because a panic is threatening.

But.

Many but's.

And lastly, the thought I had when I decided it was okay with God to move forward:

It is a good thing when our love expands.

Those who have kids and husbands or even other forms of responsibility will think me a little extreme here, but this is my first major responsibility and commitment, and while small, I'm thankful I'm getting used to the smaller steps before I have to undergo a bigger one, because apparently I really needed practice. And right now, my parents help out very very much.

I would have despaired

If I had not believed

That You would come to me

Great God who saves

In my darkest hour

Your mercy and Your power

Are reaching out to me

Great God who saves

--Laura Story, "Great God Who Saves"

 

 

And He does. He does surprise us with joy.

Chillin'

On journals and prayer and the hidden hand of God

I've been encouraged to write more lately. I don't think hardly any people read this blog, but that's okay.

Late November I ended a journal. I love my journals--they let me peer back into my life, and having been a history major, I guess I really like that.

In late April, when I began the journal, I started with an entry on prayer. My goal was to become a more consistent pray-er by the time the journal ended.

Seven months later (eight now), and nothing has changed in that department.

Wow. You don't realize how long your prayer life has been suffering until you look back at a date in a journal.

"As I sat listening I saw plainly that it was true the Lisu church was born in prayer travail, and I decided that I must also employ this weapon of 'all-prayer.' It is so obviously effective and is attainable to any of us. I recieved a life-pattern at that moment for which I have ever been grateful."

--Isobel Kuhn, By Searching

 

I haven't grown in prayer. But I still believe in the power of God to answer our prayers. The other week I was frustrated and prayed for something to happen that night. It did, and I was blown away at God's answer. And wondered that I don't pray more.

 

But anyway, something that I HAVE seen in the last 7-8 months is more puzzling, more personal to how God has chosen to work in my life in this/that season.

 

I have been able to see God working in me apart from me.

 

I have seen Him work in me, increasing my trust and faith, for example, without any help from me.

 

Personally, I don't think this is His normative way. I think His normative way is to work in us as we seek Him and spend time with Him.

 

But graciously, He hasn't led me through a dry spell these last several months where one feels alone and without direction.

 

Instead He's led me through a winter spell. Where the growth of a seed is working beneath the surface even if the outside looks barren.

 

And I thank the Lord for His mercy. Because it is nothing that I have done. And that answer to prayer the other week? It was not because I had earned it, because I hadn't. I have been neglectful and self-full. It is wrong. But God has been so gracious to me, and for that I am very grateful.

 

If we are faithless,

He remains faithful;

He cannot deny Himself.

2 Timothy 2:13

 

 

P.S. You know, if He has been gracious to me in that, then He will be gracious to me in other areas of my life that I can see. And usually I don't think there is anything outside of God's power to do, but today I unearthed one area that I really do think cannot be changed, no matter how much prayer. What then? Pray believing. Because while God may not choose to do a miracle, I have every evidence in the world that He is able. Pray, believing not He will do a miracle, but pray believing for this instance what I believe to be true in every other instance, that my God does amazing, absolutely outside of our power things.

December happenings

Hullo!

It is a quarter to 11pm. So I shall attempt to be brief.

What has happened since I last wrote a proper blog post?

1) I became the happy owner of the most darling gray Schnoodle ever to grace this house. Behold.

She will be a year old come January 1st. She was one of the dogs that I used to dog sit, but her owners were willing to part with her since they had two other dogs, one of which is unimaginably rowdy (albeit, cute), and I fell in love with her, my dad fell in love with her, and my mom fell in love with her. And so, after lengthy consideration, we transferred her to our home and my room. I am trying to keep her from being spoiled, but it is hard when I want to be spoiled by her.

2) I joined eHarmony. As in, I actually paid for a subscription. But then, they were having a $5/month sale (the price of a regular Jamba Juice if I'm not mistaken). REALLY good sale!

And I began perusing my unsubscribed accounts with Christian Mingle and Christian Cafe. The results? Well, I quickly received the attentions of a 43 yr old and 47 yr old. And then I heard from a fellow closer to my age who said in his profile he was a bit lazy, undisciplined, and could use a helpmeet to help him with his spiritual life. Then the other day I got a long e-mail from a 60 something year old man looking for a Christian lady who wants children (ie., wants to bear children). Mmmhm. I decided to disavow Mingle and Cafe and stick with eHarmony. Seems much safer.

3) I did not finish writing my novel. But I got over half way through and watched more cheesy Christmas movies than I have in my whole life put together. (ie., the movies distracted me from writing)

4) I got a new camera. :)

5) I bought myself some hoop earrings....even though my ears aren't pierced.

So that is what I have done in the last two weeks or so.

Until the hour is earlier and my brain saner,
Goodnight

When Another's Sin Becomes Your Own

I like my friend Kacie's perspective on having a blog. She writes because she needs to. Sure she gets readers. But that's not why she writes.


Today I sat outside in the slightly muggy late afternoon air with my journal. A hummingbird buzzed overhead and zipped past the blue sky laced with wispy white clouds.

"Why do I take another's sin on my heart? Why do I feel like I'm the one living the lie, being deceitful? . . . .And so it grew blacker and blacker until I felt part of it and because I couldn't let it go -- I couldn't ignore it -- I couldn't drop what was burning scars into me -- it did just that. I focused on the evil I had never witnessed, never been party to, until it became part of me . . . ."

This is what happens when someone's sin (major or minor) affects you and you allow yourself to so dwell on it that it pulls you in, like the Ring and Gollum. No longer is it just their sin. You virtually allow yourself to be a witness to their sin until it is equally part of your history as well as theirs.

Dear God, help!

I cried out in my journal. Not wanting this to be a part of me. Wanting to throw the ring into the fires of Mordor. I was repentive.

But as I came inside and began cooking dinner, nothing had changed.

I was repentive, but I hadn't repented.

"When the enemy comes in like a flood,

The Spirit of the LORD will lift up a standard against him." (Isaiah 59:19)

 

"'"This far you may come, but no farther,

And here your proud waves must stop!"'" (Job 38:11)

So I prayed. Forgive me. Forgive me for this here. Forgive me for this there.

I didn't feel forgiven.

Jesus' blood is more powerful than what I'm feeling. Do I believe? Am I really letting go and believe that I am forgiven?

I preached to myself until slowly, I felt it ebbing away.

And then, I felt free.

I'm sure after so long of holding that guilt close to my chest it will reappear. But no, I will tell myself. Jesus' blood is sufficient to wash that away. Jesus' blood is sufficient! I repented. It is, as Jesus Himself said, finished.



If my camera wasn't broken, I could post beautiful pics to accompany my posts like so many other brilliant bloggers do. Someday.... :)