Today I sat outside in the slightly muggy late afternoon air with my journal. A hummingbird buzzed overhead and zipped past the blue sky laced with wispy white clouds.
"Why do I take another's sin on my heart? Why do I feel like I'm the one living the lie, being deceitful? . . . .And so it grew blacker and blacker until I felt part of it and because I couldn't let it go -- I couldn't ignore it -- I couldn't drop what was burning scars into me -- it did just that. I focused on the evil I had never witnessed, never been party to, until it became part of me . . . ."
This is what happens when someone's sin (major or minor) affects you and you allow yourself to so dwell on it that it pulls you in, like the Ring and Gollum. No longer is it just their sin. You virtually allow yourself to be a witness to their sin until it is equally part of your history as well as theirs.
Dear God, help!
I cried out in my journal. Not wanting this to be a part of me. Wanting to throw the ring into the fires of Mordor. I was repentive.
But as I came inside and began cooking dinner, nothing had changed.
I was repentive, but I hadn't repented.
"When the enemy comes in like a flood,
The Spirit of the LORD will lift up a standard against him." (Isaiah 59:19)
"'"This far you may come, but no farther,
And here your proud waves must stop!"'" (Job 38:11)
So I prayed. Forgive me. Forgive me for this here. Forgive me for this there.
I didn't feel forgiven.
Jesus' blood is more powerful than what I'm feeling. Do I believe? Am I really letting go and believe that I am forgiven?
I preached to myself until slowly, I felt it ebbing away.
And then, I felt free.
I'm sure after so long of holding that guilt close to my chest it will reappear. But no, I will tell myself. Jesus' blood is sufficient to wash that away. Jesus' blood is sufficient! I repented. It is, as Jesus Himself said, finished.
If my camera wasn't broken, I could post beautiful pics to accompany my posts like so many other brilliant bloggers do. Someday.... :)